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I walked away..thought I had lost!!!

I walked away thinking I was a failure, thinking that I could never be that greatness I set out to be, thinking that, saying I am my best self is a cliche; thought I had lost…

I walked away believing that I could never do or be anything better, thinking I am apart of this statistics, falling below that hideous line; thought I had lost…

I walked being so disappointed in myself but still believing I did my best, which was such I lie; thought I had lost..

I walked away afraid of looking in the mirror because I was scared of what I would see-a weak failed excuse for a person; thought I had lost…

I walked away just to find out I did it just to regroup and come back to recognize and validate my greatness, finally living my best self because truth be told I am authentic…I could do better and I did, I was never apart of that so-called statistics, there was never any line because I was never behind any..

I walked back to that mirror and I stared her down and what I saw was a great, fulfilled, beautiful image looking back at me..

I walked away not to lose but to come back and claim my victory, my trophy and my crown!!!!

Its so hard..yet so easy

Its so hard to think about my successes because they have been so few and far between

Yet so easy to think about my failures because I feel like one everyday…

Its so hard to make plans for the future because everything I plan or touch dies

Yet so easy to wake up and live in limbo and take it as the day gives because that means I will not be killing anything….

Its so hard to get up and face each day because there is nothing for me to do, only doing the same thing over and over and over

Yet so easy to daydream about the plans I have that need to be put in place, the trips and places I need to go….

Its so hard to get myself to open this page and just write my thoughts down that flows through like a angry river

Yet so easy to think that I want to start writing to relieve myself of this dark cloud that is always in plain waiting waiting to swallow me up….

Its so hard…I recognize and know what I need to do

Yet so easy to say..Tomorrow..I Will….

Who Im I

Who is this stranger staring back at me in the mirror? Who is this person that gets up everyday thinking that all will be well on this day and at the end of it she’s so disappointed. Disappointed in who she has become, question is, DID YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN?.Here is this Individual who never knew that it was important and imperative that she makes friends with herself first…question is, DID SHE EVEN KNOW WHO SHE ISWAS?..She is struggling with things that people find so natural to do…like; whats your favourite color?, what is your favorite music?…simple things in another persons life BUT not simple to her.

For so many years she was focused on her survival; Survival of the fittest they say…but who was she competing against…turned out, she was competing against a little girl that was so lost and so arrogant… competing against a lost soul who was drowning…drowning in a sea of heartbreak, abuse, deceit, rejection and pain…

Abuse from her past, persons who made sure she knew that she was worthless, will always be worthless and she would never amount to anything…

Heartbreak from the first man that was ever in her life …DAD..he broke her heart by abandoning her emotionally and physically. ..the first man to ever tell her she was not worthy of anyone loving her because she was worthless. ?.

Deceit from people you allow in your life because they sold you a better tomorrow…deceit from loving the wrong person…who told you it was love, how do you know love when it was never presented or expressed to you in all your life…

Rejection…from the love of your life..DAD…Rejected me, told me I would never amount to anything..told me that I would be eating from garbage bins very soon…rejection from the love of my life…

Pain…pain so heartrending when you realize that the love of your life..DAD…hates you with a passion that is so In describable..and you knowing that all you have ever done is try to get the love of your life..to accept..YOU..


Im a child that was rejected, abuse, hurt and tossed aside..

Im a teenager..looking for that socalled love that you hear everyon talk about, in tbe wrong g places…

Im a woman..still searching…for what?????

Im I Worthy……

Im I worthy to be loved?..I’m I worthy of someone…anyone seeing me?..Im I worthy of being that special someone to someone else?…Im I worthy of being the heart and soul of a home, the beacon in the night, a leader in any capacity? ..Im I worthy of you thinkng of me first whenever you need a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, a warm hug?..Im I worthy of being that person you chose to walk down the isle to you, the build a home with, raise kids and build memories with?…Im I WORTHY OF BEING ME??

Is she lost…..

Her life entwines around his and she lives for the days she spends with him..the love she has for him is so intense it scares her..the way he looks at her whenever he sees her, melts her heart…the way he holds her whenever they are together, sets her heart on fire…the way he whispers in her ear when his breath is taken away, stays with her…she lives for him, she would die for him…problem is..he’s her world and he’s not fully hers….